The Star Says
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Smarter action needed instead of crude ban on maids
AFTER Indonesia, Cambodia has become the next country to ban citizens from working as maids in Malaysia following some reports of maid abuse.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Will he be back?
Arnold, welcome to the club! I’ve been through a divorce myself, and I totally get it. Women — you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them tolerating your constant infidelity while you father a secret baby with the maid — am I right? Look, I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you’re going to be okay. You see, when a relationship ends after 25 years, it’s like a death, and there’s a rhythm to the grieving process. Buck up pal, there’s a mere five stages between today’s pain and tomorrow’s clarity and guilt-free grab ass with the help!
Stage 1 — Denial: This stage is temporary, and I imagine you’ll work through it quickly once you realize that the TMZ camera crew isn’t going anywhere. According to the classic model, denial is often replaced with a heightened awareness of the individuals left behind after the loss, i.e. that kid who’s spent the last 10 years calling you Uncle Arnie.
Stage 2 — Anger: This is when you get together with your bros to talk trash about chicks. You say you’re actually glad that Skeletor Shriver (take it — it’s yours) is finally gone, Sly and Dolph take turns drunk dialing Brigitte Nielsen, and you all tell Van Damme– again — that of course you wanted him in The Expendables, but couldn’t find his email. Then you do shots of HGH, laughing that at least none of you is Seagal!
Stage 3 — Bargaining: Do yourself a favor and skip this, “I’d do anything if only we’d lasted until…” step. You got out at the right time after a great run — the kids are grown (oops! — old enough to know they should side with mommy), and you made it to 25 years and for 10 of them got away with a live-in baby mama. Mr. Olympia indeed! Plus, in exchange for assuming the role of Not Husband of the Year, we all get to stop hating Jesse James a little bit. Maybe he’ll build you a new bike!
Stage 4 — Depression: A little down? Of course you are — you’re not good at playing the bad guy and you haven’t taken a blow like this since the reviews for Jingle All The Way. But look at the upside — you may be the fading pop culture reference and serial philanderer who played at politics while his constituency suffered, but if you were a citizen those would the credentials that put you on the 2012 ticket alongside Newt Gingrich! Yes, you’re 63 and every day looking more and more like K.D. Lang, but you’ve still got your health — no way Maria’s Hyannis Port goons can take half of that! (I don’t think.)
Stage 5 — Acceptance: Just because this is happening doesn’t mean you can’t come out the other side wiser and ready for your next starring role as America’s most eligible “Bachelornator!” (I already bought this domain name — we should talk.)
Remember Arnold, love is more resilient than any “metal man,” and a franchise that can sustain an infinite number of sequels. But why not play it safe and freshen up your image? I say drop the whole uptight Orange County Republican thing and go back to the ‘roiding, weed-steeped foreigner we all originally fell in love with. I’d be happy to write your Match.com ad. (Though I registered the “Bachelornator” handle there, too — seriously, make me an offer.) I just know that in no time at all … “you’ll be back!” (I had to, just once.)
After a domestic maid accused actor Shiney Ahuja for allegedly raping her, it struck that the issue that was till now the domain of the West has come closer home. In the past many Hollywood stars have been accused of sharing a ‘special bond’ with their house maids. Take the case of Uma Thurman’s husband Ethan Hawke who divorced the actress to be with their nanny. Actor Jude Law cheated on fiancé Sienna Miller by having an affair with his family’s nanny. He reasoned it out by saying that he didn’t like Sienna’s partying ways. Even Hollywood’s hottest couple could not stay unaffected by the nanny brigade. Angelina Jolie fired their kids’ nanny because she caught actor Brad Pitt getting too close for comfort. Few years back Aditya Pancholi was also accused of having consensual sex with his maid, promising her a fruitful career.
Even telly is not far behind – In a much talked about episode of Desperate Housewives , Lynette fires her dream nanny just because her husband found her attractive. Movie, No Entry had a similar scene where Lara Dutta who plays the role of an obsessed wife fires her domestic help since she dresses provocatively and looks attractive. This proves that the concept is not new.
While this brings to forefront the case of rising infidelity (in the hands of maids), it also grabs attention to the nanny brigade. So far they have been doing home’s dirty work and considered undesirable, how did they become a man’s object of fantasy? “Men usually don’t feel attracted to maid because of her looks or anything. One reason could be that amidst all the commotion and fast paced life around him, a maid is someone who comes across as a woman who’s calm, not needy, non threatening, non competitive unlike other women surrounding him,” opines psychologist Deepak Vohra. He goes on to add, “Also the reason that a domestic maid never raises her voice or snaps makes a man feel more in control and ready to take on his beastly intentions.”
With Thursday’s announcement that he’d be putting his Hollywood career “on hold,” Arnold Schwarzenegger has left the world to wonder whether there’ll ever be another Terminator movie. Certainly plenty of movie stars have weathered scandal in the past, and some have gone on to become even bigger than they were before — just ask the indestructible Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr. Not everyone’s fared so well, though. A look back at Hollywood’s history reveals that the town isn’t always as forgiving as Schwarzenegger might hope.
The history of career-killing scandal goes at least as far back as the early 1920s, when Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle, one of the biggest comedy stars of the day, threw a party where a woman ended up dying of a ruptured stomach. The conjecture was that the 300-pound Arbuckle had raped her and crushed her with his weight. He went through three different trials (and was ultimately acquitted) while Hollywood did nothing to support him; the studio heads were angry because he’d gone on a vacation instead of doing promotional work for them, so they made him the scapegoat for a plague of scandal sweeping through Hollywood, and refused to release his movies. He made a slight comeback in the early ’30s, signing a new contract with Warner Brothers right before dying of a heart attack at the age of 46.
Cambodia's ban on sending its domestic workers to Malaysia is long overdue, said human rights groups.
Describing it as a responsible step by the Cambodian Government to protect its citizens, they said it should also serve as a “wake up” call to Malaysians.
“We must ask why this is happening again,” said Women's Aid Organisation (WAO) executive director Ivy Josiah.
She said it was important for Malaysia to set a standard contract for all its domestic workers.
“They should have the same working hours and standard minimum wages.
“It should not depend on how poor they are,” she said, adding that Cambodia also needed to deal with its own recruitment agencies which were sending underaged girls to serve as maids.
Suhakam Commissioner James Nayagam said the ban should be extended until a proper system was established between both Governments to ensure the maids were not exploited by both recruitment agencies and employers.
“Cambodia needs to set its requirements on the major issues like work hours, off days and penalties for unscrupulous agents before lifting the ban,” he said.
Tenaganita executive director Dr Irene Fernandez said it was important that the Government addressed the legal issues related to the Employment Act.
“We cannot just move from country to country to source for maids instead of addressing the real problem,” she said, adding that Tenaganita had received 61 cases of abuse of Cambodian maids as of July this year.
An employer from Selangor said Cambodia should be flexible over the issue, pointing out that many Malaysian families had trouble even communicating with their Cambodian maids.
“Most of the time, our maid could not carry out her tasks efficiently as she did not understand what we told her to do in the first place.
“Their culture is also very different from ours,” he said.
Meanwhile, a disgruntled employer urged Cambodia to back up with statistics its allegations that Malaysians abused their maids.
Information, Communication and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim has refuted allegations that he raped his Indonesian maid in 2007.
"I refute the allegations, whether they are about raping any individual four years ago (2007) or any other allegation, raised by bloggers on the Internet or by any political entity," he said in a statement on Wednesday.
He described the allegations against him in blog reports and by the Opposition as "heaps of libellous statements and awful, ugly and wicked lies".
"I state readily that any report by anyone so far related to this matter should be investigated under the country's laws," he said.
Dr Rais said he and his family members were prepared to extend full cooperation in such an investigation, and would accept and comply with any outcome of the official probe.
The allegations against a senior Malaysian Cabinet minister were contained in cables made public by whistle-blowing website Wikileaks.
Solidariti Anak Muda Malaysia (SAMM) head Badrul Hisham Shaharin, or better known as Chegu Bard said it was strange that the minister had remained quiet although it had been days since the issue was first raised.
"I refute the allegations, whether they are about raping any individual four years ago (2007) or any other allegation, raised by bloggers on the Internet or by any political entity," he said in a statement on Wednesday.
He described the allegations against him in blog reports and by the Opposition as "heaps of libellous statements and awful, ugly and wicked lies".
"I state readily that any report by anyone so far related to this matter should be investigated under the country's laws," he said.
Dr Rais said he and his family members were prepared to extend full cooperation in such an investigation, and would accept and comply with any outcome of the official probe.
The allegations against a senior Malaysian Cabinet minister were contained in cables made public by whistle-blowing website Wikileaks.
Solidariti Anak Muda Malaysia (SAMM) head Badrul Hisham Shaharin, or better known as Chegu Bard said it was strange that the minister had remained quiet although it had been days since the issue was first raised.
How can I tell a story we already know too well? Her name was Africa. His was France. He colonized her, exploited her, silenced her, and even decades after it was supposed to have ended, still acted with a high hand in resolving her affairs in places like Côte d’Ivoire, a name she had been given because of her export products, not her own identity.
Her name was Asia. His was Europe. Her name was silence. His was power. Her name was poverty. His was wealth. Her name was Her, but what was hers? His name was His, and he presumed everything was his, including her, and he thought he could take her without asking and without consequences. It was a very old story, though its outcome had been changing a little in recent decades. And this time around the consequences are shaking a lot of foundations, all of which clearly needed shaking.
Who would ever write a fable as obvious, as heavy-handed as the story we’ve just been given? The extraordinarily powerful head of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), a global organization that has created mass poverty and economic injustice, allegedly assaulted a hotel maid, an immigrant from Africa, in a hotel’s luxury suite in New York City.
Worlds have collided. In an earlier era, her word would have been worthless against his and she might not have filed charges, or the police might not have followed through and yanked Dominique Strauss-Kahn off the plane to Paris at the last moment. But she did, and they did, and now he’s in custody, and the economy of Europe has been dealt a blow, and French politics have been upended, and that nation is reeling and soul-searching.
Are we still swooning over the smooth-talking, ever elusive, charismatic catch? Mr. Perfect, Mr. Right, My One-And-Only?
Maybe so, but most of us fall for real men -- with thinning hair or a little paunch, with a broken tooth that's never been fixed, with a tendency to posture when provoked and ramble when tired. And if we're lucky, he has a hankering for us that seems insatiable -- at first.
We're delighted, we're flattered, and we reciprocate -- finding his fervor and his foibles endearing. We adore them. We marry them.
And then things change. We change.
So let's get right to the heart of the matter -- sex, followed by babies, and work-life challenges we can't possibly imagine until we're mired in them, as we muddle through the months and years of little ones fussing, job worries, and schedules that grind us down.
Hubby?
Sometimes he gets short shrift. Often, he gets no sex.
Maybe we realize that mothering shouldn't nudge lovemaking out of the picture, knowing that human touch and sexuality are critical conduits for well-being and intimacy. Yet we're reluctant to just "do it." There are conflicts. Shuffled priorities. Fatigue. And sometimes, rumblings of resentment when we feel when we're carrying the greater load. We have a hundred reasons to say no, and a hundred more for waning desire. Libido? What libido?
We tell ourselves (and our husbands) we'll perk up when the babies can toddle, when the toddlers can talk, when the talkers hit preschool -- and meanwhile, once a week falls off to once a month, then once a quarter, then once in a blue moon.
I won't say I've never declined a partner's advances, because I have. In my marriage, by virtue of a traveling spouse, by virtue of the exhaustion of juggling job and kids, by virtue of the growing distance between the two of us which of course exacerbated the, well... growing distance. The loneliness that resulted was palpable.
So let's talk sex -- sex as marital glue, sex as physical necessity, sex as a reminder that we are alive, no matter how complicated our daily struggles may seem.
In that light, do you recall the column about the woman in France who sued her husband over failing to provide sex? The judge ruled in her favor, which the article's author, Dr. Yvonne Fulbright, takes exception to. She writes:
The French judge's decision, and justifying comment that, "By getting married, couples agree to sharing their life and this clearly implies they will have sex with each other" is disturbing.
She goes on to explain:
Whether married for two years or twenty, husbands and wives have the right to control their bodies, including abstaining.
Mulling over her viewpoints, I disagree. I don't believe the judge's ruling condones marital rape, which Dr. Fulbright mentions in her arguments against the decision. I do understand that circumstances and time change us, impacting both sexual appetites and capabilities. And of course we control our bodies, and there will be times when "no" is appropriate. But if there is virtually no affection or no sexual contact in marriage - then what?
Isn't turning a blind eye to alternative arrangements an option? I don't mean accepting the disrespect of a womanizer when you're sharing an active marital bed. But in a sexless marriage, isn't infidelity inevitable?
Consider this.
How would you feel enduring one year, three years, five years -- without being touched by the person you love? What happens to your self-esteem, to your outlook, to other aspects of your emotional and physical well-being? What if your spouse loses interest in sex, refuses to have sex, or for some other reason - cannot have sex?
Sure, apathy sets in. The challenges of daily life, health issues, and medications can take their toll. But I suspect the preponderance of sexless marriages (and divorces that result) is due to the former and not the latter.
In a Huffington Post discussion on marriage and divorce a few months back, men cited lack of sex as a legitimate reason to terminate a marriage, as one reader makes the following remark with respect to wives who do not satisfy their husbands' sexual needs:
For the woman, perhaps she could be instructed... that despite the fact that she will want to curtail sexual things greatly, she should not.
Another reader says:
And why should a man stay married to a woman turned cold?
That question stopped me cold. Might that mean that we owe our spouses sex?
If we're talking about those first few years of child-rearing, it's a perilous period. Women need help -- not indifference, and not attitude. This is especially true with millions of us bringing home a paycheck on top of domestic duties.
Young children aside, there are times in every relationship when one wants sex and the other doesn't. Some of us turn our backs and opt for sleep. Some participate, aware of the many roles of sexual contact, not the least of which is emotional intimacy.
In the years since my marriage ended, I've become reacquainted with the importance of sex as a fundamental element of loving, and being loved. When in a committed relationship, it's rare that I don't happily respond to my partner's advances -- passionately -- tired or not. Out of love, not duty, and cognizant that every encounter needn't involve two hours of Tantric tumbling or gymnastic gyrations. There are times when ten minutes of giving in other ways -- and we all know how -- can reassure the one we're with, and allow us to make sex a priority.
I believe it's a matter of being caring -- and smart -- if we want to keep our relationships intact.
Love tainted with selfishness is 'attachment;' it is only about you. You expect a return for your affection, tangible or intangible. You make demands on people and bind them. You feel insecure, vulnerable and threatened. Your expectations never seem to be met with. The more people do for you, the more you want. The relationship thus becomes conflict-ridden. In the end, it breaks down and you lose the person.
The age-old philosophy of Vedanta steps in with new ways of defining ourselves, others and the world around us -- ways that will appeal to the younger generation. It takes dedication, a leap of faith, and practice.
Expand your mind. Get attached to a wider circle of people - community, nation, humanity. Work for loka sangraha, for the welfare of the world. As you get attached to the higher you get detached from the lower. True love is born and your relationships become free from the endless strife that prevails now.
In order to fill the haunting sense of emptiness in your life you depend on people for your happiness. Thus the starting point is faulty. Only when you are happy within can you establish meaningful relationships with others. It is absurd to depend on others to fill the void. Vedanta says you are paripurna - totally fulfilled. You do not need anyone to make you happy. Gain knowledge of your fulfilled state.
Love others for what they are, the good as well as the bad. Understand that people behave according to their nature. Do you hate a lion for its ferocity or a deer for its timidity? You love both creatures equally because you understand their nature and accept them for what they are. What prevents you from accepting people as they are? Why do you complain when a partner gets angry or a child is timid?
Look at others as part of yourself and you will focus on their best qualities. You will see opponents as partners, competitors as comrades. You will celebrate others' victory as if it were your own. Thus your happiness multiplies a billion times! Today you are happy only when good things happen to you. In the end love turns Godward. You worship God in all beings.
Vedanta says there is only One. If you see separateness, it is your delusion. Just as one ray of light refracts into seven different colours, you see distinctions and demarcations because you view the world through the prism of your body, mind and intellect. You see maximum separateness when you identify with your body. See the world through your mind and your circle of love expands to include your family. Rise to the intellect and you see oneness among your compatriots. Merge with Atman, the Spirit within, and all differences vanish. You exult in the experience of the One in the many. You see yourself in all beings and all beings in the Self, just as you admire your images in different mirrors. Only then will you be free from sorrow and delusion. And you will attain the exalted state of enlightenment.
No comments:
Post a Comment