Saturday, August 11, 2012



There are not significant differences between men’s and women’s sexual fantasies, according to a University of Granada study.
The fact is that both sexes have intimate and romantic sexual fantasies involving theirpartner or loved one.
In addition, men have more sexual fantasies (positive and negative) than women, which would confirm the old believe that men think more frequently about sex than women.
To carry out this study, the researchers took a sample of 2250 Spanish people (49.6 percent men and 0.4 percent women) aged between 18 and 73 years, who had maintained a heterosexual relationship for at least 6 months.
The results obtained suggest that near 100 percent of men and women have experienced a pleasant sexual fantasy in their life, while about 80 percent of the interviewees have experienced a negative or unpleasant sexual fantasy sometime in life.
However, men and women do not fantasize with the same frequency. Specifically, the study showed that women have pleasant romantic fantasies more frequently than men -a few times a month.
Men, however, fantasize more frequently about exploratory sexual activities as group sex and seek new sensations as “being promiscuous”, “being a swinger”, “participating in an orgy”.
The frequency of these fantasies is “sometime in life” or “once a year. The most unpleasant sexual fantasies are those associated with sexual submission.
Women were found to think more frequently than men in “being forced to have sex”-they fantasize about it at least once in life. However, the most frequent negative fantasies in men are associated with homosexual sex.
The study was co-authored by Nieves Moyano Munoz and Juan Carlos Sierra Freire at the University of Granada department of Personality, Psychological Evaluation and Treatment.
This is the first study to approach sexual fantasies as positive and negative thoughts in Spain.
The results will be published in the Spanish journal Anales de Psicologia.
Whenever we suffer an asthmatic attack or a lung infection, we immediately go to a chest physician. If our digestive system gets dysfunctional, we do not hesitate to go to a gastroenterologist. For a skin problem, dermatologists are consulted promptly.
But whenever a man suffers from a sexual problem where he can neither enjoy sex himself nor can he satisfy his partner, he either avoids going to a sex therapist, or is ignorant about the existence of such a specialist, who is trained in treating sexual problems. If a woman suffers pain during intercourse or finds herself unable to reach an orgasm, she, at the most, may visit her gynaecologist, but would never think of consulting a sex therapist. Here are some situations/conditions when one should consult a sex therapist.
nWhen one finds that he or she has no desire, low desire or altered desire for sex. ‘Altered desire’ implies a person who experiences intense and recurrent sexual urges, behaviours or fantasies that involve unusual objects, activities or situations and cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational and other areas of functioning.
- When the sexual desire and need of married partners mismatches most of the time.
- When a man either fails to ‘attain’ or ‘sustain’ an erection in spite of appropriate sexual stimulation i.e. Erectile Dysfunction.
- When a man is unable to penetrate and perform intercourse during sexual intimacy with a willing partner.
- When a man ejaculates earlier than his own or his partner’s expectations persistently on a regular basis, i.e. premature ejaculation, resulting in a complete lack of sexual satisfaction for both partners.
- When a man takes an excessively long time to ejaculate, or is unable to ejaculate in spite of proper sexual intercourse with a willing partner, i.e. Retarded ejaculation.
- When he or she has disturbing doubts and anxieties related to their sexual desire, arousal, capability, stamina, performance or even satisfaction.
- Whenever he or she has doubts or anxieties about the anatomy and functioning of one’s own or the partner’s sex organs.
- When he or she has disturbing attitude issues regarding their own or their partner’s role in a sexual act. For example, who should take the initiative, what is the correct technique and duration of foreplay, what should be the correct frequency of intercourse, when and where intercourse should or should not be performed, who is supposed to be an active partner, etc.
- When he or she is obsessively preoccupied with sexual feelings, desires or urges that it is affecting their ability to perform essential human duties.
- When he or she has urges to engage in perverted sexual behaviours such as sado-masochism, bestiality etc.
- When intercourse is not happening, or is painful, in spite of mutual willingness, cooperation and participation.
- When a woman is unable to achieve orgasm during sexual encounters with a loving partner in spite of mutual cooperation and active participation.
- For a proper sex education session before one’s marriage where all the facts and myths related to intercourse are addressed.
- When a person is confused about his or her sexual orientation and preferences.
- When a person is struggling with feelings of guilt and shame regarding sex, and is unable to enjoy the experience.
- When a person has had unprotected sex with an uncommitted partner, and could be pregnant or could have contracted a sexually transmitted disease.
There’s no such thing as a Noel Coward divorce. You know, that sort of amicable, happy-go-lucky divorce where everybody’s interested in pursuing their own interests and whatever maliciousness there is is sort of clever and beautifully executed. It’s not like that at all. I don’t care how much you might have loved the person–halfway through any divorce the only thing you can think of is: I hate this person and I want this person to bleed. You become obsessed. It becomes a matter of absolute survival. Once it’s over, the question is not whether you can recover from the love, or from the loss of love. It’s whether or not you can get over your own hatred. And I’ve been divorced twice, okay?
The first time it was a very casual marriage. We met in college in 1977. We really had very little in common but we enjoyed each other’s company. We kind of drifted together. A series of one-night stands kept getting closer and closer and the next thing we knew one of us didn’t go home anymore. This went on for a while, until all of a sudden, we had no money and the coffee maker broke. And we figured, what the fuck, why not get married, somebody will give us a coffee maker. And they did. They gave us a coffee maker and they gave us a popcorn maker. And we fought like cats and dogs over that coffee maker and that popcorn maker. And you know what? I don’t eat popcorn and she didn’t drink coffee [laughs]!
Look, I’ll be perfectly honest with you–I was flat-out the world’s worst husband. I was inconsiderate, I was selfish, I was utterly self-absorbed. On the rare occasions that we did have any money, if I wanted to spend some, I would. Now remember, at this period in time, I was also a drunk. And on November 19, 1983, I went on an absolutely horrific bender. And in the course of that bender–I don’t remember this, but I know what happened. I slapped her.
Understand, not a month before that, I had been arrested for drunk driving. I had been thrown in the worst hole that Luzerne County, Pennsylvania, had to offer. It was this 19th century prison where I was left with a fellow inmate who would’ve cut off my finger to get my ring, okay? That didn’t sober me up. But when I understood that I had slapped my wife–that did. And that was enough to make me stop drinking.
But you know what my stopping drinking did? It destroyed my marriage. Because we no longer had anything in common. Actually, I have to credit her with my becoming an editor because in an effort to hold the marriage together I started working at a small weekly newspaper. This was 1985, I was twenty-seven years old. I would go in at 9:30 on Monday morning–and no bullshit–I’d work straight through until about 2 A.M. Wednesday morning. The upshot of all this was that my wife and I now no longer even had contact. We hardly ever saw each other.
To be perfectly honest, I think the reason I was doing it was because there really wasn’t anything to come home to. This went on about a year and a half. It was around this time that a really young reporter from a really troubled background started hitting on me. And I responded. It never got to the point of sex because frankly I was too conflicted to have it. But it came very, very close, and the sexual tension was utterly addictive, particularly for a recovering alcoholic. Meanwhile, I made very little effort to hide any of this from my wife. And at that point, she entered into a similar relationship with a guy.
Now, it was interesting because I couldn’t be as magnanimous and open-minded as she had been, and this led to her saying she wanted out of the marriage. So now, all of a sudden, all of this ambivalence we had had for all these years suddenly ossified and became a molten core of rage. When you look at the papers filed in this no-fault divorce, it is a collection of every misstep, every error, every horrible thing that either of us did in the then-twelve years we had known each other. I would put something in and she would respond with something. Then I would get so outraged that I would respond with something else. It wasvicious. It really was a blood sport.
Understand, nothing that I ever did during the course of our entire marriage involved me thinking about her as a first thought. And yet now, as we were going through the divorce, she was all I could think about. We were separated, but I knew where her boyfriend lived, and I would find myself making a point of going out of my way to drive past his apartment so I could see whether or not her car was there. It was all-consuming. If there had been one tenth–one hundredth–as much passion in our marriage as there was in our divorce, we would have just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.
My second marriage failed in spite of–but I think in part because–I tried to not make the same mistakes I made in my first marriage. But what I did was, except for the alcohol, I married the Me of 1977. Irresponsible, self-centered, obsessive, destructive. She was artistic, she was a musician and a writer. She was sexually aggressive. Phenomenallyaggressive. And sure enough, everything that I did to my first wife, she did to me.
Yes, I did feel that there was a certain karmic retribution in all of this. But here’s the thing, and it took me three times to figure this out. You have to find somebody who is willing to accept you for who you are and then tell you that that’s not good enough. And with their help, you figure out how to be better. And you need to do the same thing for them. But if you’re not willing to turn around and say, “I accept, I demand, and I work,” then you’re not willing to be married.
What’s present in my marriage now that wasn’t present in the other two is respect. I pitied one and I had an accommodation with the other. But I didn’t respect either of them. And they didn’t respect me. And that’s the most important thing. The very best you can hope for is that you’ve got somebody who’s gonna respect you enough to go through the day-to-day bullshit and be honest with you. That’s the most romantic thing in the world.
There is something absolutely divine–I mean, literally, the breath of God–in the ability to put someone else in your heart, to think of them first. But from the time of the greatest pornographer who ever lived, Shakespeare, we’ve demanded that love be something more. No, fuck Shakespeare–since the Song of Songs! And what happens is, the utter grandeur and magnificence of what love actually is gets overshadowed by this disappointment that it’s not the way we fantasized it should be.
Now, that’s not a new phenomenon. The new phenomenon is the ability to divorce easily.You asked me before how you know when it’s over. That question is almost irrelevant now because most of us never get that far to find out. It’s not a moral thing. It’s not a character thing. Whenever you give people an opportunity not to be in pain, they’re gonna take it. And the lower you set the threshold, the earlier they’re gonna take it.
I wonder, then, whether we might not have made divorce a little too easy. And here’s the point. This is the point–it’s crucial in all this. It’s goddamn easy to file for divorce, okay? It’s goddamn easy to be declared divorced. But those 18 months between those two actions–man, those are the hardest 18 months of your life.
Men rarely divulge their secret desires to thewomen in their lives and though everyone has different needs and desires there are some moves and attitudes that most men want. Read on to find out what they are and then give him the time of his life!
Give some subtle suggestions
For men (even though he’s known you for a while now) a woman’s libidinous longings are not always easy to decipher. If you drop some hints about what all you want and guide him along, he will love you for it.
Trust us, the man who really loves you would love to please you in every way possible. So, talk to him and tell him if he’s doing just what you wanted or if you want him to continue with something a little longer.
Bowl him over with a wild move
Do something unexpected and wild when you both are at it. Something erotic that he will not be able to forget soon. Make your session stand out by coming up with signature moves. Work on pleasuring him in different ways.
Offer the spice of variety
Change in speed, positions and pressure can really make the entire experience very different. Whether it is the foreplay or the actual act, if there is variety he will never really know what to expect and therefore it will help a great deal in revving up his senses.
Turn it on yourself
Since women take time to get turned on, men love women who can take that responsibility off them so that he can actually get to work. Though your man may love to do all that he needs to in order to get you aroused but he would definitely like it if you were already half-way there. Somehow the fact that you are already in an aroused state is a huge thing for him.
Spring a surprise
For men it is a massive ego boost to know that you want him too. Surprising him with a spontaneous seduction act can really win him. He will not be likely to forget it in a hurry.
Don’t be scared to be naughty
Don’t hold back when you are with your guy. Yes, we know that you have this ‘good-girl’ image that you hold sacred. Men like to see this other side of you when you are not scared to break his ‘good-girl’ image of you. They will never cause offense by actually asking you to do it. Just show him that you are really into him and want him as much as he wants you.
Give him an eyeful
Leaving something on your body, for him to remove can be very arousing. When you are at it just make sure you are near a mirror so that you can see yourselves in action. It can be hot.
Get rough
Yes, he wants it rough at times and he would love it if you let him know that you want it too. Bring out the beast in him and tell him you are having the time of your life.
Take over
Sometimes men just want you to take over while he just lies down and enjoys. It is an ultimate fantasy for them.
Wear his fav lingerie
Show him that you care by wearing his favourite lingerie.
I know, you’re thinking, wait, haven’t I heard this one before?
Yes, the number is six. Crap, I kinda ruined the suspense on that one, huh? I shoulda’ made you wait until the end. It was premature elucidation, which is fairly common when talking vibrators.
More importantly, you should be wondering, How did you calculate this number and what does one do with so many vibrators?
I wasn’t in NYC yesterday when Trojan’s vibrator giveaway caused total mayhem, but I did witness this mad rush for free sex swag first hand at the BlogHer conference, which is how I was able to calculate the magic number.
Honestly, I’ve never seen anything quite like the Trojan booth, which was giving away freeTrojan Vibrations Tri-phoria vibrators at their Friday vendor expo.
There were women walking away with four, five and even six vibrators tucked in their bags, under their arms, under their chins, and g-d knows where else. They were scrambling to the floor to grab boxes that had dropped in the shuffle, like someone had busted a massive vagina piñata or something. (Which, by the way, is an awesome idea for a birthday party, right?)
Not one of these ladies seemed the least bit ashamed or embarrassed. They grabbed their swag with the same nonchalance that you would take a handful of mints on your way out of a restaurant.
I, on the other hand, smushed my one lonely vibrator into the bottom of an opaque tote, fully aware that in three short days, some TSA agent would insist on checking my bags and the vibrator would resurface in front of the group of Hassidic Rabbis that would inevitably be behind me in line.
Now that you know how I got the number, I must ask the next question: What could one possibly do with six vibrators? Look, I read Fifty Shades, I’m a worldly gal. I’ve even asked how well do you know your vagina, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out how exactly this would work.
I drew a diagram on the plane, but stopped when the elderly gentleman to my left started clutching his chest. He, by the way, was of no assistance when I asked if he could think of any orifices I’d missed.
So I ripped up my diagram and pondered the other options.
Maybe some women are even more OCD than me, going through vibrators like I go through wet naps.
One and done.
Rip open the box, use, toss vibrator with ease into a trash can. “Honey, let’s tear into another box, shall we?” I find this possible explanation rather wasteful. I mean, do you know how many horny women there are in Ethiopia who can’t afford a vibrator? I don’t know either, but I imagine the stats are astronomical.
Why, just one of your six vibrators could probably satisfy an entire village. I bet you didn’t think of that when you haphazardly threw your barely used toy in the trash. You cold hearted waster!
You probably didn’t even recycle it!
I sincerely hope I’m on the wrong track, because that line of reasoning seems unnecessarily insensitive.
I was given another explanation while questioning a woman at the an event on the last day of the conference as to how many vibrators one needs (cause that’s an awesome icebreaker… seriously, try it).
Her response?
Yep, she’d taken four, and why?
She said, “they make good gifts.”

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